As a kid who grew up without a father figure, often felt like I missed out on having someone to look up to, someone to teach me "how to man up", someone to guide me, and someone to give me a shot.

I tried for years to make life "work" and it always felt like there was something missing. I could not find it in my jobs, I could not find it in success, I couldn't find it in relationships, sex, or alcohol.

I played it safe for years and blamed others for my challenges. I bottled up my emotions and told the world I was fine. I thought if I just pleased everyone else, I'd be happy. I saw vulnerability and surrender as weaknesses. I masked my wounds with ego and over-the-top confidence. I leaned into unhealthy competition and a need to have control. It often blew up in my face and the cycle would repeat in the next job, relationship, focus. I was empty.